


The Confessor

by yankeetooter



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Confessions, Gen, Guilt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 06:00:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20421080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yankeetooter/pseuds/yankeetooter
Summary: Valery is wracked with guilt, and seeks absolution.  Only one man can provide it.





	The Confessor

Valery winced as the helicopter hit the crane and crashed to the ground. It was HIS fault. He should have been more insistent on the perimeter for the pilots. He could have used a wider margin of error. He could have come up with a different plan to begin with. He should...

A gentle voice sounded to his left. "Is there any other way, Legasov?"

And Valery could only shake his head no and turn away. But Boris' question eased his guilt somewhat. It reminded him that there really was no other viable option, that they had to get the fire out by whatever means possible.

And Boris' voice... The gentleness said Boris did not blame Valery. The anguish in the voice said, "I share your pain fully, Legasov. If you're guilty than I'm just as much so. And somehow that eased the tightness in Valery's chest as he turned away. He was able to breathe again as he walked off to hang his head.

________________________

"Yes, we are! And we'll be dead in five years!"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Valery regretted them. Boris turned pale, his eyes wide in shock and his mouth agape as Valery's words sank in. Boris sagged into the armchair and sat stunned, finally brought around by the phone ringing repeatedly.

After he hung up, Boris joined Valery at the window, telling him about the children in Germany. Valery could only stand and gaze at Boris.

_Is he alright? Why did I blurt that out so abruptly? Was I really so determined to prove I was right?_

Later that evening, Valery knew Boris wasn't okay. Boris sat across from where Valery stood at the table, going over maps. He was a changed man. It was as if Boris had shrank, become a lesser man somehow. Only when Valery asked him pointedly if he was alright did Boris try to regain some of his former self. He sat up straighter, puffed out his chest. 

"Of course."

Valery wasn't fooled. When Ulana entered a few minutes later and began questioning their plan, Boris sat and let Valery carry the conversation. Even the possible horror Ulana was warning them of couldn't stir him.

And it was all Valery's fault...

The next day in Moscow, Valery and Ulana led the presentation. Boris was like a child, looking to Valery for guidance. After Gorbachev left the meeting room, Boris sank into his chair immediately. Valery sat down next to him, watching him concernedly. 

_I have to talk to him!_

That night, back in Pripyat...

Boris sat on the couch, bent forward over his knees. Valery came over and sat next to him.

"Boris, I'm sorry!". Boris' head shot up, looking at Valery cluelessly.

"I...I should never have broken the news to you like that. I mean, you deserved to know, but it was wrong if me to tell you like that.". Valery felt tears stinging his eyes and hurriedly put his head down to hide them.

"Valery...Valery!" Boris took Valery's chin in his hand and lifted it so Valery had no choice to look into his eyes. _Was Valery crying?_

Boris wrapped his arms around Valery, pulling Valery into his chest and holding him tight.

" Now you listen to me Valera. Yes, it was a shock to hear about our fate. But you were right to tell me. You respected me enough to tell me, unlike my bosses in Moscow. Yes, it's been eating at me, but it's just taken me a while to process. And you also are facing the same thing! And yet, you have not shrunk from the task ahead of us! You give me courage, Valera! We will face this together! So, don't you dare feel guilty, do you hear me?"

Valery nodded, his head still buried in Boris' chest. The overwhelming guilt he'd been feeling began to ease up.

___________________

The divers had succeeded, but how long before they succumbed to the radiation? Another three deaths on his head! He should have been more aware of the water level. He should have had the water drained before they started dumping countless tons of sand and boron, making "lava" which could ultimately cause a hydrothermal explosion more deadly than anything that had happened yet.

He should have volunteered to go himself...

All this guilt weighing on Valery took its toll. He felt ready to snap. And then, "...some aparachtchik, some career party man?"

_Oh no! Did I just say that to Boris?!_

As soon as he saw Boris' face, the guilt increased tenfold. This was his friend, his co-sufferer. This man had held him in his arms just the other night, letting him cry on his shoulder and bringing him out of a dangerous spiral of guilt and shame. And this was how he treated him?

Valery could only nod at Boris' "Good, yes?" He couldn't even look him in the eye, barely managed a sideways glance. Even after his thoughtless words, Boris was trying to get him to see the good. He told Boris about the cladding on the fuel rods, but it was an automatic response, his scientist self taking over while he cringed inwardly.

Boris found him a few minutes later, sitting behind the trailer, head bowed and fighting back tears once again. Boris grabbed his arm firmly, but gently and dragged him into their trailer. 

The tears threatened once again, but Boris forestalled them, cutting Valery's apology off before he barely began.

"Stop, Valera! We're both exhausted, we're both on edge! Everyday there's another crisis!! You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the strain of that."

"But.. "

"No. I know you were speaking about aparachtchiks in general. I know you didn't mean me specifically. We were both ready to snap."

Valery nodded gratefully. Somehow Boris always understood, always forgave. "But the divers..." he started in again.

"Valera... We are trying to save millions here! We are sacrificing our own lives, if at a slower rate. Valera, I don't like it anymore than you do, but men are going to lose their lives. There is no other way! Please stop carrying this burden alone! I am here beside you, every step of the way."

Valery stepped into Boris' open arms, the guilt and pain once again easing.

___________________

Later that night, as they went out for a walk, Valery snapped at Boris again, expecting a reprimand for his outburst during the call to Gorbachev.

Boris let it pass, knowing it was exhaustion and stress talking. He deflected Valery's defensiveness by asking about the fate of the men.

And as Valery explained the gruesome details, Boris nodded to himself. Valery was dealing with the guilt better. Not that it would ever fully go away, for either of them. They would have lost their humanity if that ever happened. But Valery was getting stronger at dealing with it. Boris was relieved. For a while he had worried that the guilt might break Valery beyond repair.

And about two weeks later, when Valery suggested the biorobots himself, voicing what Boris had been dreading bringing up, he knew Valery had learned to deal with the guilt. Later that evening, the orders sent for additional men to clear the roof, the confessed and his absolver sat together on the couch, both horrified at their latest decision. Their shoulders touching, both leaned into the other, drawing on the other's strength to carry him through the maelstrom of guilt that eternally sought their destruction.


End file.
